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Michael: [V.O.] Covert intelligence involves a lot of waiting around. Any meeting, any appointment, you have to show up early, make sure you are not followed; make sure the area is secured; check out the other guy's advance team and see how well he is prepared. It's good trade craft but it's like hanging out in your dentist's reception area 24 hours a day. You read magazines, sip coffee, and every once in a while someone tries to kill you.
Michael: [V.O.] In a fight, you have to be careful not to break the little bones in your hand on someone’s face. Never happens in movies, but in real life a busted hand will get you killed. That’s why I like bathrooms. Lots of hard surfaces.
Michael: [V.O.] My mom would have made a great N.S.A. communications operative. Drop me in the middle of the Gobi Desert, hide me on top of the Himalayas, bury me in a goddamn cave on the moon, and somehow, some way, she’d find a way to call me and ask me for a favor. [screams into a pillow]
Madeline Westen: You know you missed your father's funeral... by eight years.
Michael: Well, last time I talked to him he said, "I'll see you in hell, boy," so I figured we had something on the books.
Michael: [V.O.] 30 years of karate. Combat experience on five continents. A rating with every weapon that shoots a bullet or holds an edge. Still haven't found any defense to Mom crying into my shirt.
[After Michael almost broke Sugar's hand.]
Michael: [V.O.] There is a reason spies have a hard time making friends.
Michael: Would you put some pants on?
Sam Axe: What? I work better when I can breathe down there!
[Sam attempts to disable a car that Fiona supposedly wired to turn off via a cellphone. It explodes.]
Michael: Fiona, you were supposed to stop the car, not blow it into the Everglades! What happened to shorting the ignition?
Fiona: You said disable; it's not going anywhere.
Michael: [V.O.] My mother's understanding of my career changes with what she wants from me. One day, she can name everyone on the National Security Council, the next day, she thinks I work for the post office.
Michael: [V.O.] Truth is, identity theft isn't hard. A number and an ID is all you need to drain a bank account and return some money to some very surprised retirees. But why stop there? As long as you're stealing someone's identity, why not use it to contact some known terrorist organizations on unsecured phone lines? Why not use it to threaten federal judges and insult the local drug cartel? Most fun I've had in Miami.
Michael: You lost my car in a card game.
Nate Weston: Well, I needed the money and you weren't helping me out. Besides, nothing ventured, nothing gained, bro.
Michael: It was a rental car you ventured.
Michael: [V.O.] International conferences attract spies for the same reason hotel bars attract hookers: you can do business and drink for free.
[Madeline is reminiscing about Michael and his father.]
Madeline Westen: I remember what fun you two had always working on cars in the garage.
Michael: Fun? I remember him making me fake a seizure at Mr. Goodwrench so he could steal spark plugs.
[After Fi scares off the hit squad with her Molotov cocktails]
Sam: How many were there?
Fiona: I don't know, four? They took off after cocktail hour.
Michael: Fi, it looks like Fallujah down there.
Michael Westen: [V.O.] Spies go to bars for the same reason people go to libraries: full of information if you know where to ask.
Carl Wilhelm: "Pimped"? I'm not a pimp.
Michael: [cheerfully] You say "tomato", I say "pimp."
Sam Axe: If I lose my pension, you're gonna be changing my diapers when I'm 95 and drooling.
Michael: Sam, I would never let that happen. I'd smother you with a pillow first.
Sam: [chuckles] Come on, Mike. Fiona calls, whisper whisper, all of a sudden you gotta have yogurt? What's the big secret?
Michael: No big secret, just looove yogurt.
[Fiona is making an explosive concoction.]
Michael: How's it coming, Fi?
Fiona: Dangerous, unstable. Remind you of anyone?
Sam Axe: Hey, Mikey. When you read this guy's profile you're gonna kiss me.
Michael: I am not gonna kiss you, Sam.
Sam: Look, I'm not saying I'm gonna like it. I'm just saying you're gonna kiss me.
[Nate hugs Michael and walks away.]
Madeline Westen: Now you see Michael, you're too hard on him. I mean, he can be so sweet. I just want us to be a family.
Michael: I know, Mom, I know. [Michael pauses and then looks up.] He just stole my wallet.
Michael Westen: [V.O.] Getting information out of someone who doesn't want to give it up is all about upsetting the target's emotional balance, impairing their judgment. Fear is good for that; anger is not bad either.
Michael: [V.O.] Anyone who has handled large amounts of cash can tell you it's one of the toughest things in the world to move. It's heavy and dense; dead weight. If it's on fire, of course, that complicates things further.
Michael: [V.O.] As a rule, spies don't like dealing with cops. Covert ops are illegal by definition. If they were legal they wouldn't need to be covert.
Michael: [V.O.] You can tie up a lot of resources by keeping a bugged phone line open. As long as it's open they're supposed to keep listening. Say a few cryptic things now and then and they'll be stuck in their little van trying to figure out what the hell you're doing.
Fiona Glenanne: Honestly, I don't know why they bother. They should just put a bullet in your head and be done with it.
Michael: Apparently I'm more valuable alive than dead. But I'm sure they'll take it under advisement.
Michael Westen: [V.O.] Military firebombs are typically white phosphorus or chlorine trifluoride. These are remarkably effective, but they are also unstable, lethally toxic, and hard to find at the grocery store. The main ingredient in a homemade firebomb, on the other hand, is Styrofoam. A military demolition expert can put something together in a few hours. An IRA trained guerrilla can do it in twenty minutes... give or take.
Michael: [V.O.] In intelligence work, surveillance is called coverage. It's like basketball; you can run zone defense or man-to-man. Man-to-man is risky; follow someone too long and they're going to get suspicious. Zone is usually the way to go. Stay put and let targets come to you. Less obvious, easier on the feet... and you can catch up on your celebrity gossip.
Michael: [V.O.] Clandestine meetings are never fun to arrange. It's a big part of the job for a covert operative but it's never pleasant. It's not so much the fear of death that bothers you, it's driving to the meeting with a bag over your head... Sometimes they wash the bag, sometimes they don't.
Barry: Name's Cristo. Like Madonna, the whole one name thing.
Sam Axe: Like Charo.
Barry: Sting.
Sam: Fergie.
Barry: Pélé.
Sam: Spider-Man.
Barry: Liberace.
Sam: Crap, I can't think of any more.
Michael: [V.O.] The thing about security is that the very things that protect you can be turned against you by someone who knows what he's doing. It's tough to compromise a well thought-out security system, but making someone think you can compromise it, well, that's much easier. Take surveillance cameras, for example: you can disable one by shooting a laser at it and overloading the light sensitive chip. Cheap, easy, and exactly the sort of thing a sophisticated criminal gang with lots of resources would do. Leave around some tell-tale signs of surveillance like cigarette butts, a forgotten camera lens cap and the more security there is, the more likely they are to think they've got a very serious problem. Even the security team itself can be an opportunity. The more employees you have, the more you have to worry about them. Deliver some vague threats and a few hundred bucks to a security guard. If he's honest he'll tell his boss, who then wonders who wasn't so honest. For the cost of a nice dinner you can get a whole security team canned.
Fiona Glenanne: I know a few Iranians who are coming into town.
Michael: Oh, let's avoid people who use "Michael Westen" and "jihad" in the same sentence.
[Fiona is threatening Lucio with a taser.]
Michael: [V.O.] The art of turning someone into a double agent is delicate. The target has to be put into a fragile psychological state.
Lucio: Get this crazy bitch away from me!
Michael: [V.O.] Fortunately, fragile psychological states are a specialty of Fiona's.
Michael: [V.O.] Facts are the hallmark of a good false identity. It is harder to create history than it is to alter it. Plus, the more truth to your lie, the easier it is to remember.
Michael: [V.O.] A basic rule of covert ops is let someone else do your dirty work. Let someone else find the guy you want to kill. It's a great technique... as long as you're not the someone else.
Michael: [V.O.] Just because there are no windows or doors doesn't mean there are no exits. The thing to look for is an air conditioner unit, that's where the wall is weakest. Also, people watch doors; they don't watch air conditioners.
[Sam and Fiona are doing recon at a gay bar.]
Sam Axe: How do you want to handle this?
Fiona Glenanne: Well, I think the balls are in your court.
Michael: [V.O.] The truly paranoid don't go to meetings themselves. They use a cut out, someone unrelated to them hired to show a pre-arranged sign and deliver a message. The sign is something innocuous but hard to miss. My favorite is a tourist guide for Madison, Wisconsin. No one will look at it twice, but unless I'm in the Midwest, I know they are waiting for Michael Westen.
Nate: Hey bro, you look tired.
Michael: Hey Nate, you look clean. You shaved the ferret off your face.
[Sam walks into Michael's house with a bucket of fried chicken and Michael pulls his gun.]
Michael: That'll kill you, you know?
Sam: [referring to the gun] Yeah, no kiddin'.
Michael: No. The bucket of trans fat you've got there.
[Michael and Fiona are standing over a large cache of weapons, preparing for an operation.]
Michael Westen: If we need more than this, we're doing something very wrong.
Fiona Glenanne: Or something very right.
Michael: [V.O.] There are some fights you just can't win. A force can be so overwhelming that no tactical approach in a fight is going to lead to a victory worth having. When you can't win in a fight, sometimes you have to settle for making sure that if you lose, everyone loses. It works for nuclear weapons; it works for me.
Michael: [V.O.] For any operative, stashing weapons is second nature after a while. Spies hide guns like squirrels hide acorns. You never know when you'll need some firepower, or where you'll be when you need it.
Carmello: Who are you?
Michael: I'm Michael Westen. I used to be a spy.
Michael: [V.O.] You've been in the business way too long when you recognize the sound of a 45 caliber over the phone.
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